Cats | Friend, Foe, or Food

Cats are innocent creatures that reside in our motherland. Or are they? Some people love cats as they keep you company. Some people hate cats as they eat your food. Some people eat cats as they are tasty. This raises the question. Are cats friends, foes, or food?


Cats are lovely creatures. Although lazy, they are cute and cuddly (if you don’t mind being scratched). They are even potty trained, making them good pets. If only our troops were potty trained. Then we wouldn’t have to be constantly mopping the floor. Anyways, cats are also very intelligent. They learn special tricks, such as waking you up at 1am because they know you’ll feed them. Jk, we all know you aren’t sleeping at 1am.  The real genius of the cats is learning how to bypass your enemies’ defences. They are the best spies, allowing you to know exactly what your worse enemy is doing. They even protect you from devious creepers, who want to blow you up. Cats are clearly friends.


Cats are the devils of felines. Not only do they commit war crimes while we are sleeping, they even have the audacity to act all innocent. Cats have mind control powers, tricking poor human souls to look after them for eternity. They’ve turned over half of humanity into slaves. Not only are they enslaving us, but they are also infiltrating our government. We have all heard of Mark Zuckerberg being a lizard person, but have you heard of Australian Prime Minister, Anthony Albanese, being a cat? With this power, they are able to pass laws. Laws that force the little remaining humans unaffected by their mind control to work for the cats. Cats cannot be trusted and anyone that tells you otherwise is being mind controlled and forced to say that.


Cats are one of the tastiest animals that are still alive. Those that were too tasty went extinct for unrelated reasons please don’t arrest me I’m innocent. Cats are so tasty that they should not be considered friend or foe, but rather food. Although they are tasty, we mustn’t eat them all. We don’t want another extinction, do we? Everyone secretly wants to eat cats. This is clearly the correct choice. Cats can’t be friends as it will be sad to have to eat your friend. Cats can’t be foes because foes are never this tasty. Cats must therefore be food. One of the tastiest foods. Tonight, we celebrate by eating cats.



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