Hello and welcome back to Nap Segment Insights! In today’s very special post we’re going to go over one of Help Force’s most common pests. No, it isn’t visitors: it’s rats.
This violent criminal is accused of 73 crimes in over a dozen North American countries.
Hello, Helpers, and welcome to the weekly installment of Nap Segment Insights! Those of you who were around in early 2021 may remember my short-lived and ill-advised series based on nap segments. If you do remember this series, I only have one question: Why the hell are you still around?
This week’s topic will be Desireus’ coconuts: Delicious snack, or clever tax evasion scheme?
Welcome back to Nap Segment Insights, a weekly series dedicated to everyone’s favorite type of seg: napping!
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This week’s topic is snacks. Everyone knows that a good nap seg involves food, but what makes the food special, exactly? Roasting it over a campfire? Stealing it from the staff lounge? The lack of ketchup? The answer is all of the above.
Welcome back to Nap Segment Insights, a weekly series dedicated to everyone’s favorite type of seg: napping! This week’s topic is the fact that Elp hasn’t fed the staff in two weeks and everyone’s starting to mass hallucinate.
Welcome back to Nap Segment Insights, a weekly series dedicated to everyone’s favorite type of seg: napping! This week we have a special topic: rats. Where did they come from? What do they want? Are they the ones eating all the leaves off the trees? The answer to all of the above is maybe.
Welcome back to Nap Segment Insights, a weekly series dedicated to everyone’s favorite type of seg: napping! I’m sorry for not updating last week; in order to know what I’m writing about, I decided to take a nap. Unfortunately, that nap turned into a coma and I think I broke the world record for longest time asleep.
Welcome back to Nap Segment Insights, a weekly series dedicated to everyone’s favorite type of seg: napping!
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If you’ve been following this series (of course you have), you’ll know that two weeks ago Maya and Wynn broke me out of HF prison. I was there because I didn’t want to starve, and apparently in HF that’s a crime. Cool. I might’ve been breaking and entering, too, but honestly there’s so many rules. How am I supposed to know them all? They can’t all matter, right? That’d be crazy.
(Just to be clear here, I’m not suggesting that you break the snack rules in HF. I am encouraging you to break them.
Currently we’re living on the road like a couple of wild pigeons, if the road was underwater and the pigeons were government spies at their headquarters in the Bermuda Triangle, exactly 16,800 pina coladas below sea level. You didn’t hear that from me, by the way.
We’ve been on the run for a little while now, but no staff have tried to catch us yet. Our theory is that the uno game that started three weeks ago is still going on. They could just end the game and go after us, but death before dishonor and all that.
I kept a log for the first two weeks of our escape. Why for only the first two weeks, you may ask? Well, the answer is that I left the notebook at a random gas station in Canada and no one felt like going back for it. You can read the important parts of the log below:
Log, Day 1: Cookies are being rationed out. Theoretically they could last a week, maybe two, but I believe I may lack self-restraint.
Log, Day 2: Morale is high. We had the foresight to steal a bag of stamps on the way out and plan to sell them on the black market. Cookie rations are lowering.
Log, Day 5: Apparently stamps aren’t one of the things sold on the black market.
Log, Day 6: Today we jumped into the back of a train. No idea where we’re going. I think there’s a puffle following us around.
Log, Day 7: The train took us to another train station, We boarded another train and the same thing happened. Our plan is to keep stowing away on trains. There’s definitely a puffle following us.
Log, Day 10: At a different train station now. Lots of people. Cookies are running out. We may need to sneak back into the staff lounge for supplies.
Log, Day 11: Maya is down to her last three lollipops. This is the lowest we’ve been at. I’m beginning to wonder if we’re going to starve.
Log, Day 13: Nothing important has been happening, other than us deciding to go back to HF and quietly pretend like nothing happened.
Log, Day 14: We’re out of cookies. I don’t know where to go from here. We’re stopping at a gas station. Must remember not to leave notebook behind.
Quite the adventure, eh? We’re still debating whether or not to go back to HF, but maybe we could twist things in our favor. How would you feel about replacing the current staff team with cookie vending machines?
That’s all for this week’s insight. Curious about anything nap or snack related? Comment below and I’ll write all about it! Until next week, comrades.
Hello and welcome back to Nap Segment Insights, a weekly series dedicated to everyone’s favorite type of seg: napping! This week we’re going to have an exclusive post to celebrate the three year anniversary of Help Force. Congrats on aging, HF!
To honor this special day, we’re going to go over some Help Force history that may or may not be accurate.
A Brief History of Napping in the Help Force
As many people know, the kava nap began circa early 2019. The leader Kavacado was infamous for her “short little naps” that could last as long as 12 hours. Kava naps are a highly contagious disease that included the following symptoms:
Eating avocados
Falling asleep as soon as you join vc
Sudden JTS appearance
The need to start a coup against a cow
Speaking in Russian
As you can see, kava naps are incredibly dangerous to have. I advise you all to take the following precautions:
Lmao I get paid for sponsoring kava naps you’re outta luck.
In case that you do find yourself infected, it is advised by authorities at the WHO that you self-quarantine for 2-3 weeks, as well as follow these at-home remedies:
Drink caffeine if you find yourself unable to stay awake
Get yourself into a sleep schedule
Don’t try to search for “kava naps” on the WHO website
Meditate and do yoga when you wake up
I mean it, don’t search for kava naps on google either
Relax your mind at night by taking a warm shower
What are you, a cop? Stop searching for kava naps. What’s wrong with you?
At first, the kava nap was seen as something very difficult to cure. Now, with the advancements of science, we know that kava naps are entirely incurable. If you have this disease, my condolences. It was nice knowing you, sort of. I’ve made lots of enemies. It’s hard to know who’s reading this.
Moving onto the next part of our history lesson. The earliest record of a nap seg dates back to 06/07/20. Scholars disagree on the details, but it’s certain that group napping took place. That moment was historic, paving the way for modern nap segments.
Today’s nap segments are a far cry from the primitive ones done many months ago. For one thing, we have me. It’s debatable whether that’s actually an improvement, but at least we have nap segs almost every night. The campfire, the marshmallows, the secret possum rituals that only the US time zone knows about. The staff sneaking around, stealing cookies and getting executed. It all adds to the ambiance, y’know?
There are many predictions for future nap segments, but a popular belief is that one day we will be allowed to host them in peace, away from the AUSIA mods who never sleep and therefore don’t understand nap segments. Yeah I’m calling you guys out. Come and find me if you can.
In conclusion, nap segments are old.
That’s all for this week’s insight. Curious about anything nap or snack related? Comment below and I’ll write all about it! Until next week, comrades.
Welcome back to Nap Segment Insights, a weekly series dedicated to everyone’s favorite type of seg: napping!
Welcome back to Nap Segment Insights, a weekly series dedicated to everyone’s favorite type of seg: napping! I’m writing this from HF prison 🙂
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This week we’ll be continuing from last week’s post about how to steal food from the staff lounge, the most guarded part of HF (after the stamp assembly room, of course). If you followed last week’s guide, you should now be standing in the staff lounge, waiting desperately for this series to update so you can finally escape. I know it’s been an entire week and you’re probably regretting listening to my advice in the first place, but first, a small disclaimer. If you happen to end up in jail for breaking and entering and placing carrots over all of the security cameras, please don’t sue me 🙂
For those of you who are still inside the staff lounge, read very carefully. Slip out of the staff lounge as quietly as you can. Grab your extra can of PUFFLE-AWAY SPRAY and use it on the large blue puffle in case it starts to wake up. If you came prepared, you should have either a skateboard or an air horn with you. I’ll go over what you can do with either.
First: the skateboard. The obvious use for this one is to bang it on the walls to make noise and then skate away in style, but if that doesn’t appeal to you, consider leaving it in the lounge as a peace offering.
Second: the air horn. If you happen to run into someone while you’re escaping, simply blow the air horn in their face and run as fast as you can in the opposite direction. Repeat until the person chasing you curls up on the floor cursing at the inventor of the air horn.
Next, locate the computer system in the pina colada room. Enter the password Helping Friends and click on → users → Barney → server settings → security camera → staff lounge. At this point, you’ll see a few options. Find the one that says “purge footage” and click on it. It is imperative that you don’t click on the other option that says “pineapple festival.” Trust me on this one.
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Before I tell you the next step, you’re probably wondering why I’m in prison. I was sort of caught a little bit trying to escape from the staff lounge, and after an unsuccessful attempt to rally the puffles to fight off the leadership, I might’ve been put in jail with no chance of bail.
No need to worry, though. I have an escape plan already in motion. By next week’s post I’ll be writing from another country, where Help Force can never find me 😉
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Moving on. After deleting the footage, it’s time to escape the building! Grab your stolen snacks and jump out the nearest window. If you don’t like jumping through glass, you can just open the door and walk out (though honestly, that’s not as dramatic.) Once you’re out in the open, find a nice bush to live in for the next 4-6 weeks as the staff track you down for theft, breaking and entering, and attempting to pass as a puffle in order to escape arrest.
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That’s all for this week’s insight. Curious about anything nap or snack related? Comment below and I’ll write all about it! Until next week, comrades.
