Though this issue has been deliberately concealed from Helpers, staff members of Help Force are well acquainted with the annual raccoon migration.
Each late spring, as the yearly food budget begins to collapse, raccoons migrate from the kitchen into the sleeping quarters. Researchers believe this behavior is motivated by two primary factors:
- Starvation
- The fact that the bedrooms are maintained at a luxurious 20°C, unlike the rest of the facility, which remains at a modest 15°C. Energy costs money, you stupid Helper.
Although many complaints have been submitted, experts in the area have assured the staff that this is a “natural and culturally enriching phenomenon.”
What culture is it enriching, you may ask? Here at Help Force we’re proud to keep costs low in order to provide the highest possible standards of barely adequate living!
Rather than thinking of the migration as a nuisance, we encourage you to appreciate the raccoons for bringing more warmth to the staff quarters. The daily exercise of springing out of bed and brawling with an angry, starving raccoon is a good simulation of dealing with visitors who escape containment.
However, there are downsides to the raccoon migration. One incident occurred which witnesses describe as “an unprecedented escalation event.” One unfortunate commander (anonymized as “D”) was bitten by a rather wily, raggedy raccoon and had to be given a rabies shot.
Although technically classified as wildlife, many of the raccoons have gone up the ranks to assume higher ranks than most staff. This does include the aforementioned victim. Compensation will therefore not be awarded and the commander will be required to pay the vaccine fee. Another win for the oppressed raccoon class.
Some anti-raccoon hardliners were found protesting living conditions yesterday morning. Picket signs include phrases such as “WHAT THE HELL” and “I FEAR FOR MY LIFE.” Will staff complaints never cease?
As the raccoons have begun to unionize, we at Help Force have no choice but to provide them with pensions. This does exhaust the remaining 2026 food budget. For the sake of transparency we will not allow for a meeting on this matter, as this would force us to be transparent.
One rather intelligent raccoon has even managed to snag a place on the Decisions Committee. He then proposed a referendum that expelled all non-raccoons from holding office. Due to his sharp teeth, his offer was accepted. At time of publication, three bedrooms have fallen to raccoon control and we only have a tenuous grasp on the other two. The kitchen, though previously agreed to as a neutral zone, appears to have become a raccoon gun stockpile.
The raccoons themselves have declined to comment for this piece. Readers are reminded that direct eye contact with raccoons remains prohibited. Negotiations are ongoing – stay tuned.
Snowy
HF Trustee
Filed under: Help Force CP, Snowys Nap Segment Insights Tagged: | Raccoons, Satire, Scandal, Snowy
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