The Greatest Essay

ZIPLINE, Scorp’s Office – My comrades!!! We have a special treat for you this week – a nearly two thousand word essay written about the one and only Greatest, Elp himself. The author will remain anonymous for fear of their safety and/or sanity. Please read without consideration.

If one were to take a look at the current state of the world, they would be hard-pressed to avoid finding misfortune. The wars, starvation, mass-poverty, and rapid decline of general intelligence are enough to bring despair to anyone. There is, however, a single bright part that makes our existence bearable, and it is that Elp is the Greatest. 

There are innumerable reasons why Elp is the Greatest, and to list them all would last a very tedious eternity. In this essay, the author will limit themself to no more than ninety-thousand reasons, give or take a few. The reasons will be given in no particular order, as they are all equally as great as each other. 

Elp himself has listed many reasons for being the greatest, but the best of these reasons is perhaps that he has none. His inspiration came from another person, someone who had the infinite wisdom to see a t-shirt of a man and think, that is Elp, that is the greatest. Everyone who witnessed the shirt agreed unanimously that it was the amalgamation of all human understanding and knowledge. The universe aligned itself for its greatest creation, this lice who refuses to write it as “louse.” Truly an icon for the rest of us, the non-great masses who have long since been desensitized from being banned and muted. 

Some might argue that Elp is not the Greatest. They claim that he has no inherent greatness inside of him, but rather is a fool with admin perms. These people are hard to come by as they end up getting quickly banned. We may never hear their whole argument, but it is folly. There is no denying the one universal truth. Elp is the Greatest. 

Elp, in his infinite wisdom, has provided us with Help Force as we know it. If it weren’t for his intervention, the visitors would run rampant instead of cowering in fear. They understand that they are lesser than us, and that their rights are shorter than your dad’s dick. We owe this coughs ethn–role cleansing to Elp the Greatest, the benevolent protector from the visitors. Seig Hiel. 

Elp once assembled an entire bed by himself in a voice chat. The sheer willpower, strength, and dedication to completion that this took is incredible. No ordinary man could build his own bed–only the greatest of lice could have pulled this off, and he did. 

Elp consumes no less than thirty-two ice creams daily. This number has not been confirmed, but I can only assume that if I left thirty-two ice creams on his table every morning he would do it. Not only does he partake in a daily tasty treat, he shares pictures of his ice cream on instagram. He generously allows us a peek into his daily life, and for a moment we wonder in awe how anyone could be as great as he. There is no one more deserving of a McFlurry and there never will be. 

Although each of these reasons bears equal greatness, there is one reason that stands out as especially important: Elp is not sus. Sus disease, most easily contracted by sending “I-,” “oop,” “smh,” and/or “welp,” runs rampant in Help Force. Elp, however, has managed to evade this disease in his entirety of being with us. The Greatness in him simply says “No, thank you,” when the sus comes knocking, and it has no choice but to obey. I can only admire the sheer tenacity of his immune system, so dedicated to keeping His Greatness pure from sus. 

No essay about Elp is complete without a large portion of it dedicated to his chaos. Its origin is unknown because I am too lazy to go back and research it, but Elp is widely known for wreaking havoc wherever he goes. Many people theorize that Elp is a living embodiment of Chaos, squashed into the shape of a lice for us to visualize it easier. I myself prefer to believe that he is a trickster god, sent here to punish us for associating with curry munchers. 

The chaos in Help Force takes many forms, but standing out prominently is its blatant disregard and borderline racism towards visitors. The lowest of all life forms, Elp has always ensured that they know their place–in the mines, muted, with one pickaxe among them to share. Occasionally they try to complain, but after watching their brethren be brutally publicly executed, the rest have submitted to living in fear. Elp has set a wonderful example on how to moderate for the Junior Staff members. 

Invaluable to any good chaos is the mass pinging. Elp the Greatest has never passed up an opportunity to ping, often without reason. People had grown so accustomed to his pinging in Help Force that they often ignored real pings for events, which could explain dwindling event maxes up to his departure. But this author isn’t trying to blame anyone with a god complex for anything. 

There was a time during US hours where Elp would generously host games of jackbox for the rest of us. We would choose “Elp is the Greatest” as our answer every time, understanding that no other answer would suffice. It was in these games that we learned Elp’s true name, the Greatest, and it’s safe to say that none of our lives have ever been the same. Whether this is for the better or the worst is yet to be determined. 

Elp has been blessed with the gift of foresight, which explains the often inexplicable demotions that the staff members suffered daily. His thinking capacities exist in a different plane of existence from the rest of ours, which is why he never gave us any reason for his actions. They are physically and literally inexplicable. He understood better than anyone who deserved to be demoted, even if they had done literally nothing and actually just pinged Elp once and I did nothing man what the hell I was demoted for like 4 hours too I bet you just forgot about me. 

An important part of the Help Force, the mines, would not exist without the help of the Greatest. He created the mines out of spite to force staff and visitors alike to waste their time, and it has since become our source of electricity in the Help Force. How this works, I have no idea. But we keep sending people down there and we keep getting electricity and this author thinks it’s best not to question these things. 

We mortal beings are not the only ones unable to handle the sheer Greatness of Elp. Once, during a tribute tactic, Club Penguin Rewritten banned everyone who sent “ELP IS THE GREATEST” during an event. They saw our chant, our dedication to our fearless leader, and said “oh hell no.” The sacrifice of our virtual penguin accounts is offered to the Lice as a tribute to his Greatness.

Another favorite pastime of Elp’s is taxation, often without causation and/or representation. One of his best-known sayings to the staff plebs is “Tax ‘em fast tax ‘em high ban ‘em all.”  Elp never accounted for inflation rates during his taxing sprees, but rather added the math in his heart. Tens of thousands of dollars were seized each day, leaving staff members in poverty and crippling debt. But I am sure that everyone agreed it was worth it for the Lice, the Greatest. Any sacrifice we make, monetary or emotional stability, big or small, is never enough for the Elp the Greatest.

A notable action from Elp was his effort to cure Javi of her gambling addiction. He did this by taking all her badly-earned bot money and deleting it. It only caused her to spiral into insanity which she has still not recovered from, but we applaud his noble efforts. Only the Greatest could ever stand a chance against Javi’s absolute insanity. 

Elp is a master at the game Minecraft. He was given a god-like rank in Help Force’s own server, and immediately began unleashing chaos. He created a temple dedicated to himself, offering sacrifices and gifts to those who could pass his Greatest test. He controlled the whole SMP, often spawning zombies into my own house for absolutely no reason. My character may have died many times, but my concern for Elp’s mental stability has certainly increased. 

When asked, Help Force troops have only praise to give to Elp. Many of them have offered generous descriptions of Elp, including “Elp is [pizza emoji],” “Elp is coconut,” and “Elp is the Greatest.” This paints a clear picture of how troops venerate Elp as both pizza and coconut. The duality of Lice is truly strong here. No one but the Greatest could ever pull off being two foods at once. 

Perhaps his most popular legacy in the Help Force, Elp has been widely known for withholding food from staff and troops alike. This may explain why troops saw him as food; they have been so starved they see Elp as the embodiment of the thing they want the most. But Elp, in his infinite wisdom, still starves anyone and anything he sees. We cannot understand this, but we can take comfort in the fact that he has no idea what he’s doing either. 

Elp saw fit to ban nap segs at the height of their popularity. In spite of the 7-minute break they provided staff each day, Elp knew this was 7 minutes too many. Breaks were reduced to nothing and while staff morale was lowered, productivity was also lowered. Nap segs are now a thing of the past, a testament to the dark times before the Greatest’s intervention.

One of his most popular decisions, Elp is the sole creator and host of rock-paper-scissors demotions, the bane of many staff members’ existence. Elp stood them in line and forced them to fight, weeding out the weak and the cowardly until there was a sole survivor. Although other accounts of this game are less dramatic, the idea remains as great as its creator. Truly no other than the Lice could have designed such an ingenious game. 

Yet another testament to Elp’s Greatness is his request to me, to write him this essay or face vague consequences. Though the fear of punishment no longer has any merit, I sit here to write this as proof of how truly Great he is, although my mind has long since melted and what’s left isn’t happy to be here. My ideas have long since run out, but the need to continue writing has taken control of my body. If the rest of this essay hasn’t been written that means I killed myself in the process. Either I end this essay or this essay ends me. Godspeed. 


Trust me bro


Help Force Commander

4 Responses

  1. Cookie

  2. Truly, the equivalent of the Bible for Elp.

  3. Who wrote this amazing essay?

  4. woo this finally got posted, elp is the greatest indeed

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