[SATIRE] Slap Force Scandal

BREAKING NEWS – HF’s newest General, Ms. Nervous Zippo, has been accused of allegedly slapping people in general chat. More will be posted on this story as updates are given. In the meantime, this reporter has compiled previous accusations against Ms. Zippo below, so the readers can judge her preemptively. 

Until more information can be given, this reporter has compiled previous accusations against Ms. Zippo below, so the readers can judge her preemptively. 

 

– Bringing a pet hippo to the staff lounge.

– Feeding said hippo with staff rations.

– Calling 50% of the Hispanic staff “man ticks.”

– Sleeping for more than the allotted 4 hours per day.

– Listening to an excessive amount of music.

 

Right now, I’m standing right outside the staff lounge as the story progresses. Ms. Zippo has locked herself in the only bathroom and refuses to come out, yelling something unintelligible. All this reporter can hear is “I DEMAND MY LAWYER” and “WHO THE HECK PUT A MONKEY IN HERE???

 

UPDATE –  A staff member has joined me outside the staff lounge, demanding to know why the Junior Staff are slapping each other. It seems Ms. Zippo has taught the Juniors how to slap people, and now it’s only a matter of time before the server goes down in a slapping-induced mess. Let’s ask this staff member a few questions now.

 

ME: Can you tell us what you saw, sir?

STAFF MEMBER: No.

ME: What?

STAFF MEMBER: I’d like to see some sapphires first.

ME: That’s not how-

STAFF MEMBER: And a new vending machine, and a new car, and a fair wage, and-

 

Moving on from the staff member above. I have here with me mantiuxx, Ms. Zippo’s best friend, who would like to say a few words

MANTIUXX: A few words.

 

Thank you, Mr. Ticks, for providing such thought-provoking insight. This story will resume in 7 minutes while I go take shelter in the closet. It’s turning into a slap-fest out here. 

 

UPDATE: I have been covering this story for the past 3 hours. The Juniors have finally stopped slapping each other, but Ms. Zippo is still hiding in the bathroom. I am currently attempting to lure her out with a cookie. I expect this to take a little while. 

 

ME: Come out, I’ll give you a cookie.

NERVOUS: Okay.

ME:

ME: What-

 

Now that Ms. Zippo is no longer hiding, I can finally – oh, there she goes out the window. That’s it for this story, until she is caught and brought to court for this and her other 37 crimes. Thank you for tuning in to the OOP News Broadcast. If you like reading real news, we’re not for you!


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