PSA: Pay Your Taxes

Tax season is upon us! Have you paid your taxes yet? No? No worries! This quick, easy, pain-free guide will help you get those taxes paid so you can go back to recruiting all day.

Step One: Denial

The first step to paying your taxes is to ask yourself if this is really what you want to be doing. It’s not. You want to commit tax evasion. You can’t commit tax evasion, you did that last year and the FTCGT&TCGGM might get suspicious of you if you do it again. But it’s fine, you can procrastinate for a bit. It’s not like the FTCGT&TCGGM will mind if you submit your tax forms a few weeks late, right? What’s the worst that can happen?

Step Two: Anger

Who the hell invented the idea of paying taxes, anyway?? Kind of suspicious that the government needs so much money, especially because the entire government in Help Force is made up of one tiny lice. Even if it makes sense for others to contribute to society, surely you don’t have to pay. What difference could one more person’s money possibly make, anyway? It’s not like you have that much money. Just some savings from being staff, some you stole, some you won from gambling. Compared to Tistle’s bank account you barely even have crumbs. To hell with the FTCGT&TCGGM.

Step Three: Bargaining

Okay, maybe taxes are a necessary evil. Especially since if you refuse to pay your entire bank account will be emptied. Still, you worked hard for your stolen money and you’re not giving it up without a fight. You can hire a lawyer and argue in the Greatest Court to pay lower taxes. They don’t need more than 10% of what you have, maximum. It’s about time some tax cuts get implemented around here, anyway. You have a solid defense and you’re confidant that you can win this thing, or at least make a point that taxes in Help Force are way too high.

Step Four: Depression

Well, that failed. Now you have to pay 80% in taxes instead of 40%. That’s the last time you’ll ever represent yourself in court. And the judge bribing the jury certainly didn’t help, either. You resign yourself to the fact that you’ll have to pay taxes no matter what. It could be worse, you tell yourself. At least you’re not a visitor, who can’t even have money to tax from in the first place. Still, though, it’s a grim day for you. You fill out your tax forms, give up over three-quarters of your wealth, and spend the rest of the day sulking.

Step Five: Acceptance

At least tax season is finally over and won’t be back for a whole month. You spend this time secretly creating a union of Staff and Helpers who are sick of paying taxes. Together, you formulate a plan to overtake the FTCGT&TCGGM and establish a new, uncorrupted government that will treat everyone with equity and fairness. You get into a dispute of who gets to be supreme overlord of the new government and the planned coup collapses in itself, but not before the FTCGT&TCGGM gets wind of what’s going on. Now you’re all sentenced to work in the mines indefinitely.

And so we come to the end. I hope you found this guide helpful, and if there’s one thing you take away from here, it’s that you should never pay your taxes.


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