Hey what should I name this silly cork
I won’t spend too much time beating around the bush in this post – these are urgent times, and we must make haste if we are to preserve the glorious, gracious motherland we call Help Force. Dark times are upon us, dear Helpers. Well, not us, technically – you. I quite simply exist as a memory of the past, so I have no personal involvement in this matter. But I digress, again, we must get to the point.
As I sit here, actually on the edge of my seat, my coffee cup dangerously close to spilling on Diwix’s Wi-Fi router and making him miss another battle, observing the ongoings with great curiosity, I begin to wonder: what even is a point? Is it not just a cruel narrowing of the endless possibilities and probabilities and prospects that govern our lives? It is a constraint, cleverly placed on the fluid, beautiful context. It is something that I clearly don’t know how to reach.
The matter I aim to discuss today is of great importance. It concerns the arrival of a new member in our nation – one who claims he (or she or they or whatever, I don’t know yet) holds the key to ensuring the survival of our entire nation. I really don’t know how to explain this to you in a clear or rational manner without causing so much anxiety that you would need three cups of hot chocolate and six naps to recover your sanity. And we all know both are always experiencing an “unfortunate shortage” here in the Help Force. But, we must tell our fears to go shove it, and address the problem at hand.
Meet the newest member of the Help Force – <unknown>. I do not know his name. He doesn’t either. One cannot blame him for this – his brain is preoccupied with far more important tasks, such as:
- Receiving cryptic instructions from the Universe on which personality best suits his current predicament
- Battling his enemies, real or imaginary
- Reminiscing about his glorious past while partially submerged in his pool of wine
Here’s a caricature to help you visualize this grand, superior entity that far supersedes the human species:
And now to discuss the important matter at hand. Oh wait, before we delve into that, a little bit of information about this mysterious creature’s glorious exploits.
Not much is known about how he came to exist. A common theory suggests he magically manifested when an ancient Oak tree on the nation’s border was struck by lightning during a solar eclipse. A less popular, yet far more likely theory – fervently denied by him – is that he is, in fact, a completely normal cork.
He first rose to fame as the first shot in the great battles of Legends Cup XIV. A threatening sound, a pop, that struck fear in our enemy’s hearts. I should warn you, he hates anyone who brings up that he accidentally hit Jo in the head instead of his target.
However, before his ascension, he worked in the shadows. One of his favorite pastimes was going from bottle to bottle, whispering enchanted songs that ensured the Helpers felt mildly inspired and quite fizzy at all times.
Amidst the chaos of the Legends Cup battles, while we were distracted by fighting non-blue penguins, he realized that a silent evil had begun to stir in the darkness. He sprang into action. Through questionable research practices, he discovered a powerful spell that would forever seal the evil away. Alas, tragedy awaited him. Just as he performed the spell, one of the agents of evil (rumored to be a rat) interfered. The result being – he became a cork trapped in a bottle of fine champagne.
There he remained for a year, until a group of sleep-deprived engineering students celebrating their triumph over finals week popped the bottle open. Since then, he’s been running around the motherland, waving his imaginary arms, yelling that the evil is bound to escape its seal soon. He refuses to name this evil, but he randomly yells things like “The rats! THE RATS”. I personally believe this is unrelated and perhaps dietary.
And now, your quest.
Find a name for this brave, multi-personality warrior.
So far I’ve tried all kinds of fitting names, like:
- Monsieur (full name – Monsieur Stoppeur)
- Mr. Mahogany (he was very insulted by that, idk why)
- And simply – Kirk.
None of them seem to be his real name. It is said that when his real name is spoken, he shall transform into a legendary warrior that will save us all. Who said that? Uhhh…. he did.
Anyways, drop your name suggestions in general chat! The fate of the army depends on it.
Filed under: Help Force CP Tagged: | Help Force, HF, Original Stories, Scorp, Story
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