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The Greatest Essay 2.0

Some of you might remember reading a very similar essay about a year ago. If you do, forget it right now. Forgotten it? Good.

(Please note – this essay is unfinished and is going to remain that way. Mantiuxx has very generously agreed to take the blame for any harm caused by this post, unless it’s from a visitor).

Everybody knows that Elp is the Greatest, but nobody seems to be able to answer the question why. That’s the thing I’ll be attempting to answer in this essay. Let’s begin by defining what Elp is, exactly. A human, a man, a drama queen. The benevolently diabolical dictator of our Glorious Gracious Motherland. And, most importantly, he is the self-declared Greatest. How did the title of the Greatest find him, you may ask? I have an incomplete answer, and it takes place during US Jackbox Addiction Hours, when we would spend hours on end staring at my stream in voice chat and make funny little t-shirts. Somebody got the idea to make a blue t-shirt with a picture of a man saying “Elp is the Greatest!” and for Elp, it was love at first sight. The shirt became the new uniform for staff and the line became his catchphrase, and unlike every other inside joke from Help Force, it hasn’t died yet. This shirt has been around longer than certain commanders and has outlived CPR and been in HF longer than CPO was. Arguably, it’s had the greatest impact any non-human has had in HF, and that’s really fucked up. This little t-shirt has done more for HF than you ever will, unless you’re one of six people.

One of Elp’s most notable legacies in Help Force is the US chaos hours. These began as an easy way for Elp to terrorize the staff, especially the juniors, but over the years it’s become a beloved tradition. We’ve moved on from terrorizing staff to harassing the visitors, which is one of the greatest glow-ups in Help Force history. US chaos hours aren’t limited to scaring the visitors, though; it features trials, server defacements, bans, and mass pings.

An important part US chaos hours is the server defacements. It’s not uncommon for US troops to open Discord and find that everything in Help Force has been changed, from the server icon to role colors to channel names. It’s unclear how this makes us appear to the other armies, but I think the sanity of our staff members speaks for itself. The constant visitor pings and random mass pings, on top of the persistent staff demotions, make life in Help Force turbulent and chaotic. You can never know if you’ll be given a billion ayan hats or be banned for months, and that charm is what gives HF its repulsing appeal.

Finally, and arguably the most vital part of US chaos hours, is the visitor trials. Even though it’s not always a visitor who’s put on trial, it usually is, and no matter which army the accused is from a visitor always ends up banned. It’s an excellent system.

The trials are hosted by the US Greatest Supreme Court, with the honorable Judge Lice always presiding. The trials are always fair and the jury is always unbiased, except for when it’s not. Usually it’s not. This fact isn’t very important, because the purpose of the HF Court isn’t to deliver justice but rather to provide victims for public executions. It’s not uncommon to see staff members lurking in the chats, waiting for an unsuspecting visitor to do something illegal in order to put them on trial. So far there have been no known survivors of the HF Courts, and with your help we can keep it that way.

Another common sight during US hours, though not exclusive to it, is the Elp is the Greatest t-shirt. Staff are required to wear it as part of their uniform and aren’t allowed to take it off under any circumstances. Doing so can be classified as treason and everyone who commits treason is sentenced to work a week in the mines. Ironically, the living conditions in the mines are better than the ones where the staff live. Staff aren’t directly given food, but they can earn the occasional cookie by winning Rock Paper Scissor demotions and saluting when Elp enters the chat. They do get their own bedroom but it’s the size of a closet and they have to sleep vertically. Staff are forbidden from sleeping for too long, and any spare time they have has to be spent recruiting so they don’t form another union and go on strike. There’s a rumor among staff that, many years ago, staff had gone on strike for the right to a vending machine. Elp misread the demands and gave them a venting machine, which serves as a kind of pseudo-therapist if you’re okay with your therapist smacking you.

Staff frequently challenge the conditions they’re forced to live in, but because Help Force isn’t democratic, their complaints always fall on deaf ears. The commanders are supposed to help staff settle any complaints they might have, but Desireus has been too busy with his coconut plantation to care. There are rumors that he employs visitors on his plantation because staff aren’t willing to work for him, and that he even pays these visitors a living wage. It’s abhorrent. It directly violates all laws in the Motherland. Des’ work on the plantation means that he has less time to supervise staff, who often go weeks with only coconuts to eat. These coconuts are smuggled in by visitors from the plantation. In return they’re protected from being banned by Elp. While it’s clear that staff wouldn’t be committing treason if Elp would treat them humanely in the first place, we can hardly blame Elp for their actions. After all, causing chaos in a ten-thousand person server is an incredibly difficult job. Much more difficult than leading, organizing events, recruiting, helping new recruits, planning fun events, deciding staff promotions, and helping with server revamps. Elp is completely innocent from the staff situation that he directly caused.

Aside from the US-related chaos, Elp is also known for revolutionizing the economy in Help Force. He single-handedly put the army into trillions of dollars of debt and deepens that debt every single day. It’s unclear how the economy came into Elp’s control, and it’s even more unclear how he came to control the bank. Help Force only has one bank and its ownership is entirely controlled by a single lice. More astonishing is the existence of the FTCGT&TCGGM, or the Force Tax Committee of the Greatest Tax & Trade Centre of the Glorious Gracious Motherland. It’s never been clearly defined what it does, but as best as I can tell, its only purpose is to antagonize Javi.

The earliest record of the FTCGT&TCGGM is from July 31, 2022. In spite of existing for less than a year, the FTCGT&TCGGM has collected an estimated 3.5 billion ayan hats in taxes. That’s much more than the previous administration collected, which was none. This rampant and seemingly unprompted tax collection happened under my leadership, which asks the question: why did I allow this to happen? And the answer is that I was too busy evading my own taxes that I didn’t care what happened to everyone else’s. In hindsight this was an excellent idea. I no longer have to pay taxes and everyone else is in crippling debt. In spite of this success, though, the rest of Help Force has been subjected to the random tax collections of the FTCGT&TCGGM.

The FTCGT&TCGGM supervises all trades in Help Force and has maintained a steady tax rate of 5000% over the past year. It also refuses to publish what it does with all of these taxes. The benefits are certainly not going to the staff members, who recently lost all medical and ban insurance covered by the staff healthcare plan. The medical plan originally covered any damages done by not sleeping, only eating coconuts, and mining for hours straight, but the FTCGT&TCGGM declared that it’s better to have a “survival of the fittest” policy. In conjunction with this came the end of the ban insurance, which guaranteed severance pay of one coconut to any banned staff members, excluding those banned for an actual reason. The list of actual reasons has been extended, including but not limited to: not saluting, not wearing the Elp is the Greatest shirt at all times, existing, using Fahrenheit, eating, thinking about food, and pinging Elp.

Taxes aren’t the only thing that the FTCGT&TCGGM controls in Help Force, though. It infamously gained total control of the HF black market in early 2022, around the time when the rat infestation began. In spite of strict anti-food patrols, cookies and coconuts are both available to be purchased on the black market. Other commodities available for purchase include blankets (for staff only), ban and coup records, tax forms, tax forgery forms, and fireworks. The FTCGT&TCGGM uses this black market as a front for its money laundering scheme (the records for this can also be purchased on the black market). It launders money to avoid paying the banning visitors tax, which it owes several million dollars in. To avoid getting banned I won’t include that proof here, but send me a million ayan hats and we’ll talk.

The FTCGT&TCGGM isn’t the only way that Elp taxes people, however. Elp is known for lurking during US hours and having random tax “inspections,” where he confiscates hard-earned money to inspect it. The money is never returned, obviously. The majority of these victims are visitors because if they complain they usually end up banned. This left Help Force without any active visitors, because the ones who committed the very serious crime of talking in chat are now gone. The few survivors keep a low profile because they’re paid by Desireus and Rooboo to smuggle food to staff.

In spite of enacting policies that forbade staff from eating, they always find a way. Elp does his best to crack down on these illegal food supplies but he’s too busy trying to find the burned remains of my tax returns to be successful. This food is often smuggled in by visitors, as stated above. How it works is they take food from their own army, which always has plenty and always feeds its own staff well, and then brings it to Help Force through the underground tunnels. It’s then accepted by Trustees and Cabinet Secretaries, who distribute it secretly among the staff. Usually the only food available is cookies, but occasionally a roasted puffle or two sneaks its way in. Beggars can’t be choosers, after all. This all changed when Desireus became commander, though. He founded the coconut plantation and hires illegals to work for him. He sells these coconuts to every army, including his own, at tremendous prices. He allows staff to bring the coconuts to the black market but also the mines, where the empty coconut shells are used to collect sapphires. The sapphires are then fed to Acodo to stop him from going rogue and deleting the server. So, in a way, Elp is indirectly responsible for the food black market because he refuses to treat staff like human beings.

In spite of all this, though, Elp has brought great traditions to our Motherland. Juanita Day, in which we honor a former commander in a way she fucking hates, was founded and supported by Elp. It’s celebrated in Help Force by purposefully causing typos, supporting illiteracy, and reminding Juanita that her only lasting legacy in Help Force is being a really bad speller. Juanita Day is a fun day for all, though, and helps boost morale for those who are terrible at spelling. Elp loves to host parties, and Juanita Day is just one example of this. Cinco de Mayo, though not technically a holiday, was started by Elp in Help Force as a celebration for the Hispanics who don’t understand what Hispanic holidays actually fucking mean.

One of the glorious (and also most easily forgotten) traditions Elp has started is Rock Paper Scissors demotions. Its origin was over two years ago, when Help Force lost the finals of March Madness. The battle was rigged, obviously, because there had to be an excuse to start the overtime?? tradition. Elp took a perfectly innocent childhood game, rock paper scissors, and turned it into an ungodly battle to the death between underpaid, mistreated teenagers. The unwilling contestants are forced to compete against each other, and the loser is sent to the “total losers” bench and forced to have a role with the worst color: green. The winner is finally crowned with the commander role and must live with survivor’s guilt for the rest of their short reign. Harrowing.

There are some benefits to winning Rock Paper Scissors demotion, though. Winners get a single cookie and a get-out-of-jail free card, valid for one escape from the mines. They also get to ban a visitor of their choice as long as they do it quickly enough that no one stops them first. There’s a medal involved too, which some staff choose to sell on the black market in exchange for food. Like the Olympics, preparation for the monthly Rock Paper Scissors demotion bankrupts staff who are forced to pay for it, causing them to resort to either buying food from the black market or growing it themselves.

There are many options available for staff to grow their own food, mainly because the gardens are left unsupervised by Elp. There’s a few wild animals who live in the back, such as possums and rats, but those are easily scared away from the food by leaving an Elp is the Greatest shirt out on a stick like a scarecrow. The most popular plant to grow is corn, followed by tomatoes and bell peppers. Clovers are also grown, though they’re not used for eating; a single clover is sent to the ACP leader each day without explanation. Clovers are also sold to our allies through the black market because they recently went through a clover depression.

The vegetables are harvested and then cooked outside on a campfire during nap segs, most of which are hosted illegally. Elp recently cracked down on the nap segs, saying that staff don’t need sleep anymore than they need food or water. This happened because staff were spending the whole day outside eating snacks around a campfire instead of recruiting, which left Elp with very few victims to ban. Staff are still hosting their nap segs, though. There’s a path leading directly from the mines to the garden. They crawl up the tunnel, light the campfire, have a few ears of corn, and then go back to recruiting or mining sapphires.

Nap segs used to be a popular pastime in Help Force before they were banned for giving staff too much leisure time. Now they’re all hosted in secret, away from the hidden cameras in the staff lounge. This not only helped to lower staff morale but also lowered productivity. It’s unclear what good Elp thought would come from banning nap segs but a simple answer might be US hours. US hours, otherwise (aptly) called Chaos Hours, is the time of day when Elp comes online and causes what I like to call a creative mess. Staff call it a nightmare to clean after. Even though naps segs are gone, Elp still occasionally provides staff with a few snacks here and there. Usually the snack consists of a single grape or banana for the entire team to share, while the admins get to feast at the admin buffet. This caused a short-lived strike when staff demanded to be fed more than fruit. The grape and banana were replaced with plastic and dentist bills skyrocketed. Also, Elp confiscated all the markers and paper so staff could no longer make protest signs. It’s rumored that the markers were used to draw fraudulent money to pay staff in for their salaries.

US hours is most famous for its chaos. It’s filled with blatant disregard and extreme prejudice for visitors, who thanks to Elp are considered the lowest form of life, just above Fahrenheiters and people who use Apple. Elp ensures that they always know what their place is: muted, in the mines, with one pickaxe among them to share. Occasionally they try to complain, but after watching their brethren be brutally publicly executed, the rest have submitted to living in fear. Elp has set a wonderful example on how to moderate for the Junior Staff members.


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