Cinco de Mayo: An Exercise in Futility

Those of you who have been active during US hours for the past few weeks have seen Elp talk about something called a “Cinco de Mayo,” and you’ve also seen Snowy complain every single time. Snowy is right. Allow me to explain.

Cinco de Mayo, put simply, is not a holiday. It’s a very minor commemoration of a battle in Mexico that Americans turned into a big deal, in spite of the fact that nobody in Mexico even celebrates it. The one place with any hispanics that celebrate Cinco de Mayo is Help Force, led by one Elpiojo. Elp is widely known for his many achievements, including threatening CPA reporters who make typos, causing chaos and refusing to fix it, banning visitors for breathing, and most recently for causing a coup. Who’s getting couped and from what has yet to be determined. Nevertheless, Elp’s antics have gone too far this time. Cinco de Mayo is falsely called a “holiday” by gringos and promoting it in HF as “hispanic” is no better.

Not only is Cinco de Mayo rooted in lies, it’s downright dangerous. In this vintage screenshot we can clearly see the menace that Cinco de Mayo poses to society.

Elp asks this person “donde esta tu sombrero,” which translated into English is a thinly-veiled threat. The person he was speaking to was clearly so traumatized that they were forced to delete their account shortly afterward. Their response, “que cosa,” clearly indicates that this person was still sane, unlike Elp. They rightly questioned why anyone was celebrating Cinco de Mayo in the first place and gained the ultimate reward: no Discord account.

Just like Americans, people from Help Force use Cinco de Mayo as a flimsy excuse for throwing a party, drinking virgin Pina Coladas, and invading other countries for their oil. These all ignore true Mexican values, like sleeping until noon and putting lime and tajin on everything. With your help, we can make neither of these things a reality because staff are neither allowed to sleep nor eat. It’s too late for this year, but next year let’s all get together and ban Cinco de Mayo before it’s too late. Together, we can make a difference.


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