After spending a few months observing Helpers in their natural habitat, I’m back with more information on them. You can find my very scientific research below, and the previous edition of this post here.
“The Fahrenheiter”
Although this one technically applies to anyone who uses Fahrenheit, the Fahrenheiter is an American who needs to sit down and shut up. Americans in Help Force have absolutely no culture when compared to everyone else and have very few words in their vocabulary, including but not limited to: “hamburger,” “eagle,” “oil,” “Joe,” and “freedom.” They enjoy talking about things that no longer exist in their country, like democracy and decent food, and are under the impression that anyone from a third-world country is dumb as hell. Americans are in crippling debt from their medical bills, can’t afford college, and are going to die young because of their diet, but they still insist they’re the best country on the brink of collapse. Please get me out of here.
Status: Common.
“The Fahrenheiter in Denial”
Just like the one above but in complete denial about themselves and their country. They’re “not like other Americans” because their parents are immigrants, and they consider themselves to be better than all the other white people they grew up surrounded by. They might have a different first language, visit their parents’ home country yearly, and celebrate non-American holidays, but deep down they crave oil and invading the Middle East. They think they understand their parents’ language and culture but one visit from the cousins back home destroys all of that. They’re going to either move back to the home country and have kids who move to America, restarting the cycle, or go through life as an American and be an embarrassment to their ancestors.
Status: Rare.
“The Coconut”
Self-explanatory. Whenever Desireus calls someone a coconut, feeds them a coconut, or kidnaps them to work on his coconut plantation, they become a coconut by default. The World Health Organization technically classifies this as a contagious disease (don’t fact check that). Coconuts send coconut emojis in chat, usually develop HF syndrome within 4-6 months of exposure, and tend to become Staff Members if they haven’t already. Desireus lurks in chat instead of sleeping and kidnaps the coconuts to make them work on the plantation, making them an endangered species in the wild.
Status: Common.
“The Greatest”
The undisputed lord and sovereign of the server. I am writing this of my own free will. Elp is the self-proclaimed greatest and everyone in the server who hasn’t been banned by him yet seems to agree. The Greatest provides staff with free t-shirts but no food and has a glaringly large superiority complex, although he does occasionally provide public executions for the server’s entertainment. To avoid the gulag I say Elp is the Greatest.
Status: Truly one of a kind.
“The Visitor”
Scum of the earth. Certain visitors are found tolerable and given ranks but the rest are routinely banned, muted, and sent to the mines for the very serious crime of existing. Most of them know their place by now but occasionally there’s a new visitor who quickly moves on to become a banned visitor. Mortal enemies of a certain someone. Usually they’re perfectly decent people but decent people aren’t accepted in HF.
Status: Regrettably Common.
“The Miscellaneous”
They’re from some weird country in Europe, like Lithuania or Romania or Ukraine or something. There’s always less than five people from their country in the entire CPA and they always complain about how cold it is where they are. They used to be staff but now they come and go from the server and make a dramatic display whenever they come back. Half of their sentences begin with “In my country…” and they’re always tired, all the time, for no reason at all.
Status: Common.
“The Hispanic”
I had no one specific person in mind while writing this. Hispanics are fucking crazy. They’ll use any excuse to throw a party, enjoy causing chaos and dramas, and thrive on server defacements. Statistically they’re less likely to care about collecting taxes or banning staff from eating, excluding one very notable outlier. They get offended if you compare them to the curry munchers, in spite of glaring similarities, and can’t go too long without mass pinging, trying to mass ping, or causing some kind of staff drama involving bot money and banning Javi. Although this category technically extends to include people from Spain, Europeans are generally frowned upon by Hispanics because of their colonialism tendencies. Ping a Hispanic and they’ll either ban you or throw a party.
Status: Rare.
“The Adult”
Also known as the “mom friend,” the adult is the one who (delusionally) believes they have their shit together, in spite of not leaving CPA yet. They went to college, have a steady job, buy nitro for others, and constantly remind the “children” to go sleep even though it’s 2am for them. The adult believes it’s their duty to be constantly active in chat to make sure it’s age-appropriate and, not uncommonly, have actual children themselves. And still stay in CPA. Even though they have children. Bro turn off the laptop and go feed your baby it’s about to drink the cleaning liquids it found under the sink. Bro. Listen to me. Turn it off.
Status: Shouldn’t Exist.
“The Absent Staff Member”
There is quite literally nothing to write about them because they’ve done nothing, not only in CPA, but in their entire lives. They go online everyday for some reason but don’t chat, answer dms, or ever change their pfp. Not even the Commanders know how they got promoted. Right after getting demoted after months of inactivity they’ll go to general chat and act like they’re a celebrity. They say they’ll miss being staff and go right back to being inactive, never to be seen again.
Status: Common.
“The Poet”
The Poet, otherwise known as the blogger, is someone who enjoys writing posts for their army and for media. They have no writing or grammar skills whatsoever and they make that everyone else’s problem. The Poet spends the majority of their time reading other people’s posts, getting inspired, and making ChatGPT write something that they’re going to slap their name on. On the rare occasion that someone with real writing skills becomes active, they speedrun to the top of a media organization, publish about two things, and then dip forever. Every single one of these people will be replaced by ChatGPT very soon.
Status: Common.
And there you have it! Remember to comment below the prejudices you’d like to see written about next.
Filed under: Original Stories, Web Series Tagged: | Helper Study, Original Stories, Satire, Snowy HF
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