Helper Study: Vol 1

After spending many years observing Helpers in their natural habitat, I have recorded each group’s characteristics for scientific purposes and to make fun of them. You can read these findings below.

“The Roblox Kid”

Never attends events but has time to chat 6+ hours a day. Mostly just posts the same gifs and memes over and over and asks if anyone wants to play Roblox, usually right after a Roblox event ends. They have Trainee from getting the uniform but never actually rank up. They tend to stay in the server for months or even years instead of just hanging out in a Roblox server, for reasons beyond me.
Status: Extremely Common.


“The Indian”

Indians in HF are the overwhelming majority, just like in their overpopulated country. They say “taking exams” as “giving exams,” can’t pronounce the letter V, have an obsession with curry, and play online FPS games while complaining about how little time they have to study. They’re statistically more likely to become staff members and enjoy celebrating something called a “Diwali” each year. They also brag about going to the gym, about having an iPhone, and about whatever a butter chicken is. They get offended if you’ve never heard of dosa and, even though they’re proud of being an Indian, have made it their life’s mission to move to Canada as soon as possible.
Status: Extremely Common.


“The Staff Member”

Lurks in chat for at least 16 hours a day and always has discord open, even during exams. They haven’t touched or seen grass in months and take their rank as staff less seriously every week. They attend events at 4 in the morning and this is usually the point in their life when their sleep schedule starts to get messed up. They abstain from food as a staff member and spend their free time, if they have any, playing games like CS, Apex, and Krunker.
Status: Common.


“The Competent Staff Member”

Like the one above but with some minor differences. They recruit diligently every week and go out of their way to follow the staff rules; they’ll even go as far as to report food smuggling to the commanders. They haven’t missed a single event since 2021 and carry their laptop with them everywhere in case they need to lead. They downloaded Minecraft in order to play on the HF SMP and it’s the only game they play. Their life revolves around HF, and it’s been proven it’s physically impossible for them to get a girlfriend (or boyfriend, if you want one for some reason).
Status: Very Rare.


“The Veteran Helper”

They were never staff but were usually JS at one point. They’re max rank and hang out in chat most days, claiming it’s their job to keep the chat alive during their time zone and help out the new people. They’ve been in the army for years but had an inactivity period lasting from a few months to a whole year. Usually the Veteran Helper is in their late twenties and refers to anyone below 21 as a baby or child. They’re happy to attend events and actually pretty pleasant to talk to. Current staff wonder why they’re not staff if they’re so active, but the Veteran Helper has been around long enough to know better.
Status: Common.


“The Dynasty”

Former Competent Staff Members who retired, usually over a year ago, but came back to hang out with the people they were staff with and comment on the current staff team, who will retire and do the same thing to the next generation. They reminisce about the good ol’ days and are self-proclaimed boomers. They tend to spend hours in vc together and don’t attend events, although they always show up for tournament battles. Unlike the Veteran Helper, they tend to be in their early twenties and aren’t disillusioned with life yet. All of them have some sort of HoF rank and start their sentences with “Back in 2020…”
Status: Rare.


“The New Helper”

Freshly recruited from Roblox or some other gaming server, they’re always innocent and unsuspecting of the cult they just stumbled into. Most of them reply to their welcome DM and get the uniform, but disappear afterwards, never to be seen or heard from again. Once in a blue moon they come back and become active but it’s very, very rare. New recruits usually post a meme or artwork in #art-memes and give an introduction, but once they do that they get bored and leave. Vital to the HF lifecycle but generally regarded as very annoying.
Status: Extremely Common.


“The Perfect Helper”

They became active as soon as they were recruited and quickly learned how to attend events, recruit, and flew through the ranks to become High Command less than a year after joining. They’re easy to work with, know how to write and design, recruit weekly, lead battles, and organize events. They never have an inactive period as staff and tell the commander they’re stepping down when they get busy with irl, which they actually have. They come back after being inactive and eventually become the best commander HF has ever seen.
Status: Doesn’t exist.


“The Trustee”

Not necessarily a trustee, they’re a former Staff or Competent Staff Member who sticks around after retiring and offers advice and assistance with events. Their HF syndrome and lack of a social life were so bad they couldn’t imagine having a life after HF and so they stayed active in the server, desperate to still be relevant. A new helper once asked “who’s [trustee]?” and it gave them an existential crisis so bad they never fully recovered. Usually a pleasure to work with.
Status: Rare.


“The Commander”

Sometimes including 2ics, The Commander is the fearless leader of the army. They sacrifice their time, patience, morals, sanity, and general well-being for the sake of leading Help Force. It’s their duty to provide troops with events, a decent chat, activities, and ayan hats. Their retirement rate is higher compared to the rest of the staff and usually they’ve got a couple screws loose. A notable example of mental state degrading because of being commander can be found in the Trustee, who often abuse perms for the sake of “chaos.”
Status: Very Rare.

Disclaimer: If you got offended by this, that was my goal while writing. Thanks!

3 Responses

  1. I’m always saying people under 21 are children 🤣 meanwhile I’m in the mid twenties 🤣

  2. roach

  3. […] After spending a few months observing Helpers in their natural habitat, I’m back with more information on them. You can find my very scientific research below, and the previous edition of this post here. […]

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