January, North Pole: My penguins in Christ I come to you with the most harrowing news. Elp is not Santa Claus.
Naturally, this came as a shock to me after I sent in my heartfelt, handwritten letter to Santa Elp. I thought he was going to read and then bring me my presents on Christmas. Oh Boy was I Wrong.
Although he may wear the hat and boots and possess a similarly rotund body, there is much evidence that Elp is not our beloved Kris Kingle. He’s nothing but a con man who presents to be Santa so we will write him letters exposing our deepest, darkest desires. He works the staff to the bone, claiming that they’re “elves” fashioning “toys” that weirdly resemble weapons of mass destruction. In hindsight the red flags were gigantic.
Late on Christmas Eve I bunked down in my office, watching the security footage of the chimney to await Santa Elp’s arrival. He did descend from the chimney around 3:01am, making a beeline for the cookies and milk we left out. His insatiable greed for the cookies wasn’t the odd part – he ate the carrots left out for the reindeer! How incredibly and unforgivably selfish. Those poor, poor hardworking staff. The ones who glue on a LED red nose and wear Dollar Store antler headbands. They were left with nary a carrot that dim night.
Naturally, this boiled my blood. I didn’t sleep a wink that night, too busy researching furiously into Santa-reindeer relations. The best I could find was the following poem Santa traditional recites to the reindeer before they embark every Christmas:
On Dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer, on Vixen
On Comet, on Cupid, on Richard M. Nixon
I don’t believe Elp has said half of those names.
Further evidence can be found in Elp’s affinity towards warmer temperatures. In the days following Christmas I left his office window open, allowing snow to fall inside and give everything a nice frosty aesthetic. I also lured some arctic animals (polar bears, foxes, twinks) into the office and got them set up nicely. He did not care for it. Very odd. Wouldn’t Santa enjoy the cold? He didn’t make me remove the twinks though.
The final piece of evidence is that this morning I trekked to the North Pole and met the real Santa Claus, who let me peek at the Naughty List. Guess who was on it. Take a wild f***kin’ guess. Yeah that’s right. It’s Mr. Imposter, the Herald of Evil, Hoarder of Staff Rations, Give Me My Ninendo Switch 2 I Asked For.
In light of these recent discoveries I believe all of Elp’s assets and properties should be seized immediately. Who knows what other cons he’s perpetuating as we speak? His bank statements must be publicized in order for full transparency. Coincidentally this means taxes can’t happen this year. Oh well.
Snowy
HF Trustee
Filed under: Help Force CP, Snowys Nap Segment Insights Tagged: | Carrots, Christmas, cookies, Elp, Exposed, Richard M Nixon, Santa Claus, Snowy, Toys, Twinks
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